Contributing Writers

Hi-brows hugging low-brows drinking with insiders kissing outsiders while writing clever satire.

Quality FilthAboutContributing Writers

Winston is from London, England. He plays a chain smoking butler to a legendary New York City socialite in the satirical crime thriller Dirty Quiet Money. Before that, Winston was the Queen Mother's butler and, during World War II, was rumored to be chief of MI6 and an advisor to the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. After being told he was in Dirty Quiet Money, his response: "oh please, darling, I only handle clean money."

Allegedly, Jacky is an international Mafia boss from Marseille, France. He splits his time between Manhattan and Marseille. Even though he was instrumental in liberating France from the Nazis, the FBI kept him under surveillance, so he has to constantly give them snazzy Christmas presents. Soon after Jacky was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, he smiled more than once in a day.

Divine is from Ghana, Africa. A former model, Divine sleeps late and hates any noise before 12:00 p.m. She is a professor of military history + political theory at the University of Sorbonne in Paris. According to Canal Plus, she is dating one of Sidney Poitier's relatives, Denzel Poitier, something she denies. "He'd be lucky to even look at me," she says. When told she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, her response: "Of course I was."

Father Egan is from Boston, Massachusetts. Before becoming a priest, he was rumored to be a secret strategist for his father, known as a "quiet Kennedy," and Boston's Irish Mob. When he isn't attending S.F. fashion shows, or teaching strategy seminars at the Naval Academy, you can find him cooking corn beef and cabbage for Mission kids. When he was told he will be featured in Pirate in the Closet, his response: "In the closet? Who is in the closet?" Shane is also a featured character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Sister Francis is from Salem, Massachusetts. When she was 16, she was accused of torturing and killing 19 men as CEO of California's Underground Railroad. Don't know if that's true, but it does scare away Jehovah's Witness salesmen. After being told she was being featured in Angel of Salem, Sister Francis responded: "What is that, a U2 witch song?" She is also one of the main characters in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Sophia is originally from New Orleans, Louisiana. In addition to being the mother of Otis and Ella Gordon, Sophia is the CEO of Vertias, an educational charity, and rumored to be the richest woman in the world. Her specialties include design, business development, and strategic alliances. When she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, she sued the author. But then the lawsuit was withdrawn and a party was thrown for him at NYC's Carlyle Hotel when she read the book.

Father Hardin is from Vandalia, Illinois, and was originally raised as a Quaker. When he isn't tending to mass, he is talking to random strangers about politics, philosophy, love, humor, and, yes, his favorite nun, Sister Amber Francis . After learning that he was the feature character in Outsourced to Lucifer, his response: "I not need to do no outsourcing of nothing to no Lucifer." He's also a main character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Benny is from New York City. During his career, he has represented numerous clients on both the plaintiff and defense side, including a Boston bar & nightclub entrepreneur in the 1800s. While Benny's Chicago grandfather is a character in Outsourced to Lucifer, Benny is a featured character in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders. When he heard that he would be featured in the novel, his response: "what's my cut, kiddo?"

Sunny is from Brooklyn, New York. He splits his time between Brooklyn and Copenhagen. After being the biggest pharmaceutical rep in NYC, he founded Scandinavian music Awl For Me, whose motto is "Jesse James wasn't black, but he cool anyway." When Sunny isn't running Awl For Me, he mentors high-risk kids. After hearing he was written about in Living on the Happy Edge of Anarchy, his response, "Dang, son, you should have called it Living on the Happy Edge of Orgy!"

Poncho is from Chihuahua, Mexico. He says he is a "diaper magnet, man," running Diapers R Us. His friends say that Poncho merely works at Whole Foods while dating rich divorced women who support his fancy weekly mustache trims. After Poncho was featured in Outsourced to Lucifer, he went on a sushi binge in Tokyo he was so stoked.

Sergei is originally from Tuva, Siberia. He is a security and strategy expert for private and government clients, including, rumor has it, the City of New York and the Russian Federation. After Sergei learned he was being featured in Pirate in the Closet and The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he went to an all night rave with his girlfriend Maya. The rave lasted over a month.

Father Vivaldi is supposedly from Rome, Italy, but may be from Cefalu, Sicily. Wherever he is from, Vivaldi is a sharp dresser who makes the most amazing Italian dishes for kids at the local children's hospital. When he was told that he would be featured in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, his response: "Don't a put me in the a Brooks a Brothers boxy for the hefty man, okay?"

Genghis is from supposedly from Hong Kong, but maybe from Mongolia. He is known to be one of the best chess and Mahjong players in history, having beaten Watson in a chess match while picking his nose. After Genghis learned that he was featured as Benny Hyman's sneaky private investigator in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he responded: "what's my cut of the action, you gweilo [Cantonese for white person]?"