Masthead

Preppies, stoners, dealers, moguls, foxes, and clergy who smoked in your high school bathroom.

Publisher

Quality Filth L.L.C.

Co-Founders

Queen Liz Be Deadly II (Emeritus)

Mr. Bill Bakes

Bill Bakes

Mr. Bill Bakes

Before co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Bakes founded So Soft, Inc., a mental telepathy technology that harnesses the methods of whales, crows, and spiders. Users can communicate thoughts and feelings to other users around the world without speaking, lifting a finger, or even passing gas when hearing a shitty idea. So Soft has been used by corporations, non-profits, and, yes, even by Huge Hefner to streamline communications, even sexual ones, to reduce the friction and costs of transmission. In 2014, So Soft was sold in a confidential settlement to Cozy Bear, Inc., a Siberian company that services the needs of hospitalized children and veterans for .25 cents.

Mr. Steve Robs

Steve Robs

Mr. Steve Robs

Prior to co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Robs founded Grapple, Inc., a virtual war games training platform for intelligence, military, and political players around the world. Rather than engage in real warfare, the Grapple, Inc. platform created a live stream experience of war for policy makers and wannabe generals who had never been in a real life fight to death experience their whole lives or who think they are smarter than they really are, respectively. In 2013, Grapple, Inc., was sold for $33 billion to Jerky Time! Inc., a virtual porn producer based in London, England, who provides virtual sexual services to paralyzed patients around the world. A condition of the sale was that Mr. Robs needed to be a nerdy superhero in the skits who solves complex algorithms using lipstick on fancy silk stockings.

Chief Executive Officer

Mr. Bill Bakes

Bill Bakes

Mr. Bill Bakes

Before co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Bakes founded So Soft, Inc., a mental telepathy technology that harnesses the methods of whales, crows, and spiders. Users can communicate thoughts and feelings to other users around the world without speaking, lifting a finger, or even passing gas when hearing a shitty idea. So Soft has been used by corporations, non-profits, and, yes, even by Huge Hefner to streamline communications, even sexual ones, to reduce the friction and costs of transmission. In 2014, So Soft was sold in a confidential settlement to Cozy Bear, Inc., a Siberian company that services the needs of hospitalized children and veterans for .25 cents.

Chief Technology Officer

Mr. Steve Robs

Steve Robs

Mr. Steve Robs

Prior to co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Robs founded Grapple, Inc., a virtual war games training platform for intelligence, military, and political players around the world. Rather than engage in real warfare, the Grapple, Inc. platform created a live stream experience of war for policy makers and wannabe generals who had never been in a real life fight to death experience their whole lives or who think they are smarter than they really are, respectively. In 2013, Grapple, Inc., was sold for $33 billion to Jerky Time! Inc., a virtual porn producer based in London, England, who provides virtual sexual services to paralyzed patients around the world. A condition of the sale was that Mr. Robs needed to be a nerdy superhero in the skits who solves complex algorithms using lipstick on fancy silk stockings.

Chief Financial Officer

Mr. Barren Buffett

Chief Marketing Officer

Mrs. Gisele I. Bossy

Global Advertising Director

Mrs. George Clinton

Business Manager

Mrs. Philly Spectator

Brand Director

Mrs. Canal St. Chanel

Marketing Coordinator

Mrs. Grace Loans

Editor-in-Briefs

Mr. Ryan E. Long

Ryan Long

Mr. Ryan E. Long

Ryan is a Los Angeles born writer. His current mental location is between Santa Barbara, Copenhagen, and Saturn, which he stares at often wondering what animal he'll reincarnate as. Supposedly, his income comes from his books, the first of which was an Amazon top 3 new hot comedy release. But rumor is he really makes money as a cross dressing concubine for graying circus apes. Before creating the Quality Filth contributing writers, all of whom are from his books, and their writings, Ryan practiced law for 16 years, consulted for the American Enterprise Institute, volunteered at civil rights and environmental law firms, and taught at junior colleges and colleges like Brooklyn College. He graduated with honors from the University of Chicago and Tulane Law School.

Creative Director

Mr. Gel Brooks

Executive Editor

Ms. Liz Anscombe

Managing Editor

Mr. Mikhail Reagan

Features Editor

Mr. Barak Boehner

Design Director

Mr. Lion Gosling

Photography Director

Mrs. Dandy Witherspoon

Articles Editor

Mr. Jelly Zuckerburg

Style Director

Mrs. Knock Off Gucci

Art Director

Ms. Summer A. Wintour

Photo Editor

Ms. Madonna Cyrus

Associate Editor

Mr. Hernando Bieber

Copy Chief

Mr. D’Angelo Jordan

Production Director

Mr. Yvon Marley

Senior Market Editor

Ms. Beyonce Bush

Market Editor

Mr. Bushido Riley

Associate Market Editor

Mr. Mazzy Barks

Research Chief

Mr. Fernando Einstein

Junior Designer

Mr. Pierce Prada

Associate Photo Editor

Ms. Sandy Beach Leibovitz

Photo Assistant

Mr. Katsumi Goodman

Editorial Assistant

Mr. Alfred Farce

Fashion Assistants

Ms. Beyonce Smalls

Web Editors

Mr. Kwame Sarte

Contributing Writers

Mr. Winston Black, Mr. Jacky Bonaparte, Ms. Divine J. Diya, Father Shane Egan, Sister Amber Francis, Ms. Sophia Gordon, Father Blue Hardin, Benny Hyman, Esq., Mr. Sunny Robinson, Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez, Mr. Sergei Stravinska, Father Canon de Vivaldi, Mr. Genghis Wu

Mr. Winston Black

Mr. Winston Black

Winston is from London, England. He plays a chain smoking butler to a legendary New York City socialite in the satirical crime thriller Dirty Quiet Money. Before that, Winston was the Queen Mother's butler and, during World War II, was rumored to be chief of MI6 and an advisor to the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff. After being told he was in Dirty Quiet Money, his response: "oh please, darling, I only handle clean money."

Mr. Jacky Bonaparte

Mr. Jacky Bonaparte

Allegedly, Jacky is an international Mafia boss from Marseille, France. He splits his time between Manhattan and Marseille. Even though he was instrumental in liberating France from the Nazis, the FBI kept him under surveillance, so he has to constantly give them snazzy Christmas presents. Soon after Jacky was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, he smiled more than once in a day.

Ms. Divine J. Diya

Ms. Divine J. Diya

Divine is from Ghana, Africa. A former model, Divine sleeps late and hates any noise before 12:00 p.m. She is a professor of military history + political theory at the University of Sorbonne in Paris. According to Canal Plus, she is dating one of Sidney Poitier's relatives, Denzel Poitier, something she denies. "He'd be lucky to even look at me," she says. When told she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, her response: "Of course I was."

Father Shane Egan

Father Shane Egan

Father Egan is from Boston, Massachusetts. Before becoming a priest, he was rumored to be a secret strategist for his father, known as a "quiet Kennedy," and Boston's Irish Mob. When he isn't attending S.F. fashion shows, or teaching strategy seminars at the Naval Academy, you can find him cooking corn beef and cabbage for Mission kids. When he was told he will be featured in Pirate in the Closet, his response: "In the closet? Who is in the closet?" Shane is also a featured character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Sister Amber Francis

Sister Amber Francis

Sister Francis is from Salem, Massachusetts. When she was 16, she was accused of torturing and killing 19 men as CEO of California's Underground Railroad. Don't know if that's true, but it does scare away Jehovah's Witness salesmen. After being told she was being featured in Angel of Salem, Sister Francis responded: "What is that, a U2 witch song?" She is also one of the main characters in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Ms. Sophia Gordon

Ms. Sophia Gordon

Sophia is originally from New Orleans, Louisiana. In addition to being the mother of Otis and Ella Gordon, Sophia is the CEO of Vertias, an educational charity, and rumored to be the richest woman in the world. Her specialties include design, business development, and strategic alliances. When she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, she sued the author. But then the lawsuit was withdrawn and a party was thrown for him at NYC's Carlyle Hotel when she read the book.

Father Blue Hardin

Father Blue Hardin

Father Hardin is from Vandalia, Illinois, and was originally raised as a Quaker. When he isn't tending to mass, he is talking to random strangers about politics, philosophy, love, humor, and, yes, his favorite nun, Sister Amber Francis . After learning that he was the feature character in Outsourced to Lucifer, his response: "I not need to do no outsourcing of nothing to no Lucifer." He's also a main character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Benny Hyman, Esq.

Benny Hyman, Esq.

Benny is from New York City. During his career, he has represented numerous clients on both the plaintiff and defense side, including a Boston bar & nightclub entrepreneur in the 1800s. While Benny's Chicago grandfather is a character in Outsourced to Lucifer, Benny is a featured character in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders. When he heard that he would be featured in the novel, his response: "what's my cut, kiddo?"

Mr. Sunny Robinson

Mr. Sunny Robinson

Sunny is from Brooklyn, New York. He splits his time between Brooklyn and Copenhagen. After being the biggest pharmaceutical rep in NYC, he founded Scandinavian music Awl For Me, whose motto is "Jesse James wasn't black, but he cool anyway." When Sunny isn't running Awl For Me, he mentors high-risk kids. After hearing he was written about in Living on the Happy Edge of Anarchy, his response, "Dang, son, you should have called it Living on the Happy Edge of Orgy!"

Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez

Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez

Poncho is from Chihuahua, Mexico. He says he is a "diaper magnet, man," running Diapers R Us. His friends say that Poncho merely works at Whole Foods while dating rich divorced women who support his fancy weekly mustache trims. After Poncho was featured in Outsourced to Lucifer, he went on a sushi binge in Tokyo he was so stoked.

Mr. Sergei Stravinska

Mr. Sergei Stravinska

Sergei is originally from Tuva, Siberia. He is a security and strategy expert for private and government clients, including, rumor has it, the City of New York and the Russian Federation. After Sergei learned he was being featured in Pirate in the Closet and The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he went to an all night rave with his girlfriend Maya. The rave lasted over a month.

Father Canon de Vivaldi

Father Canon de Vivaldi

Father Vivaldi is supposedly from Rome, Italy, but may be from Cefalu, Sicily. Wherever he is from, Vivaldi is a sharp dresser who makes the most amazing Italian dishes for kids at the local children's hospital. When he was told that he would be featured in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, his response: "Don't a put me in the a Brooks a Brothers boxy for the hefty man, okay?"

Mr. Genghis Wu

Mr. Genghis Wu

Genghis is from supposedly from Hong Kong, but maybe from Mongolia. He is known to be one of the best chess and Mahjong players in history, having beaten Watson in a chess match while picking his nose. After Genghis learned that he was featured as Benny Hyman's sneaky private investigator in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he responded: "what's my cut of the action, you gweilo [Cantonese for white person]?"

Special Thanks

To all the girls (or boys) we loved before.