Masthead

Preppies, stoners, dealers, moguls, foxes, and clergy who smoked in your high school bathroom.

Publisher

Quality Filth L.L.C.

Co-Founders

Queen Liz Be Deadly II (Emeritus)

Mr. Bill Bakes

Bill Bakes

Mr. Bill Bakes

Before co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Bakes founded So Soft, Inc., a mental telepathy technology that harnesses the methods of whales, crows, and spiders. Users can communicate thoughts and feelings to other users around the world without speaking, lifting a finger, or even passing gas when hearing a shitty idea. So Soft has been used by corporations, non-profits, and, yes, even by Huge Hefner to streamline communications, even sexual ones, to reduce the friction and costs of transmission. In 2014, So Soft was sold in a confidential settlement to Cozy Bear, Inc., a Siberian company that services the needs of hospitalized children and veterans for .25 cents.

Mr. Steve Robs

Steve Robs

Mr. Steve Robs

Prior to co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Robs founded Grapple, Inc., a virtual war games training platform for intelligence, military, and political players around the world. Rather than engage in real warfare, the Grapple, Inc. platform created a live stream experience of war for policy makers and wannabe generals who had never been in a real life fight to death experience their whole lives or who think they are smarter than they really are, respectively. In 2013, Grapple, Inc., was sold for $33 billion to Jerky Time! Inc., a virtual porn producer based in London, England, who provides virtual sexual services to paralyzed patients around the world. A condition of the sale was that Mr. Robs needed to be a nerdy superhero in the skits who solves complex algorithms using lipstick on fancy silk stockings.

Chief Executive Officer

Mr. Bill Bakes

Bill Bakes

Mr. Bill Bakes

Before co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Bakes founded So Soft, Inc., a mental telepathy technology that harnesses the methods of whales, crows, and spiders. Users can communicate thoughts and feelings to other users around the world without speaking, lifting a finger, or even passing gas when hearing a shitty idea. So Soft has been used by corporations, non-profits, and, yes, even by Huge Hefner to streamline communications, even sexual ones, to reduce the friction and costs of transmission. In 2014, So Soft was sold in a confidential settlement to Cozy Bear, Inc., a Siberian company that services the needs of hospitalized children and veterans for .25 cents.

Chief Technology Officer

Mr. Steve Robs

Steve Robs

Mr. Steve Robs

Prior to co-founding Quality Filth, Mr. Robs founded Grapple, Inc., a virtual war games training platform for intelligence, military, and political players around the world. Rather than engage in real warfare, the Grapple, Inc. platform created a live stream experience of war for policy makers and wannabe generals who had never been in a real life fight to death experience their whole lives or who think they are smarter than they really are, respectively. In 2013, Grapple, Inc., was sold for $33 billion to Jerky Time! Inc., a virtual porn producer based in London, England, who provides virtual sexual services to paralyzed patients around the world. A condition of the sale was that Mr. Robs needed to be a nerdy superhero in the skits who solves complex algorithms using lipstick on fancy silk stockings.

Chief Financial Officer

Mr. Barren Buffett

Chief Marketing Officer

Mrs. Gisele I. Bossy

Global Advertising Director

Mrs. George Clinton

Business Manager

Mrs. Philly Spectator

Brand Director

Mrs. Canal St. Chanel

Marketing Coordinator

Mrs. Grace Loans

Creator + Editor-in-Briefs

Mr. Ryan E. Long

Ryan Long

Mr. Ryan E. Long

Ryan is a Los Angeles born writer. His current mental location is between Santa Barbara, Copenhagen, and Saturn, which he stares at often wondering what animal he'll reincarnate as. Supposedly, his income comes from his books, the first of which was an Amazon top 3 new hot comedy release. But rumor is he really makes money as a cross dressing concubine for graying circus apes. Before creating the Quality Filth contributing writers, all of whom are from his books, and their writings, Ryan practiced law for 16 years, consulted for the American Enterprise Institute, volunteered at civil rights and environmental law firms, and taught at junior colleges and colleges like Brooklyn College. He graduated with honors from the University of Chicago and Tulane Law School.

Creative Director

Mr. Gel Brooks

Executive Editor

Ms. Liz Anscombe

Managing Editor

Mr. Mikhail Reagan

Features Editor

Mr. Barak Boehner

Design Director

Mr. Lion Gosling

Photography Director

Mrs. Dandy Witherspoon

Articles Editor

Mr. Jelly Zuckerburg

Style Director

Mrs. Knock Off Gucci

Art Director

Ms. Summer A. Wintour

Photo Editor

Ms. Madonna Cyrus

Associate Editor

Mr. Hernando Bieber

Copy Chief

Mr. D’Angelo Jordan

Production Director

Mr. Yvon Marley

Senior Market Editor

Ms. Beyonce Bush

Market Editor

Mr. Bushido Riley

Associate Market Editor

Mr. Mazzy Barks

Research Chief

Mr. Fernando Einstein

Junior Designer

Mr. Pierce Prada

Associate Photo Editor

Ms. Sandy Beach Leibovitz

Photo Assistant

Mr. Katsumi Goodman

Editorial Assistant

Mr. Alfred Farce

Fashion Assistants

Ms. Beyonce Smalls

Web Editors

Mr. Kwame Sarte

Contributing Writers

Mr. Winston Black, Mr. Jacky Bonaparte, Ms. Divine J. Diya, Father Shane Egan, Sister Amber Francis, Ms. Sophia Gordon, Father Blue Hardin, Benny Hyman, Esq., Mr. Sunny Robinson, Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez, Mr. Sergei Stravinska, Father Canon de Vivaldi, Mr. Genghis Wu

Mr. Winston Black

Mr. Winston Black

Winston is from London, England. He currently is the butler for Sophia Gordon in Manhattan. Before that, according to TMZ, Winston was the Queen of England's butler, was the chief of MI6, an advisor to the U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staff, and attended Oxford University on a scholarship. He denies it all but admits he dropped out of Oxford in his first year, though, to be in a punk band, to write, and to teach. Finally, he was given honorary tenure at Stanford University Business School after his app, DIRTY FRENCH, which enables virtual French kissing between seeming intractable international (and national) foes, was bought by Ron Jeremy Enterprises for $9 (like totally nine) billion. When he isn't traveling to California to teach at Stanford, he paints birds in the New York reservoir, works on his forthcoming book - Everything I Wanted to Tell but Couldn't - and tends to the business of Ms. Gordon. After being told he was a character in Dirty Quiet Money, his response: "oh please, I only handle clean money."

Mr. Jacky Bonaparte

Mr. Jacky Bonaparte

Jacky is rumored to be a Mafia boss from Marseille, France. He splits his time between Manhattan and Marseille. He runs nightclubs in New York, New Orleans, Los Angeles, Moscow, and London. The FBI says that his specialties include criminal network solutions, organic free trade money laundering, and black ops (Jacky calls "oops"). (Jacky's response: "They just jealous cause I have the nicer suits.") Even though his family helped liberate France from the Nazis, the FBI has kept him under surveillance, so he has to constantly give them money for Christmas and every other holiday for "donations." Soon after Jacky was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, he is reported to have smiled more than three times in one day.

Ms. Divine J. Diya

Ms. Divine J. Diya

Divine is from Ghana, Africa, but she currently lives in Paris, France. A former model, Divine sleeps late and hates any noise before 12:00 p.m. She goes to sleep almost every night at 2:00 a.m., and yet her skin still remains baby fresh. While her official title is physical therapist, she is, according to the French authorities, an escort and expert "cleaner." ("But what the hell do they know?" She says.) When she isn't training, either by boxing or mixed martial arts, she is a professor of military history + political theory at the University of Sorbonne in Paris. According to Canal Plus, she is dating one of Sidney Poitier's relatives, Denzel Poitier, something she denies. "He'd be lucky to even look at me," she says sarcastically but not really. When told she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, her response: "Of course I was."

Father Shane Egan

Father Shane Egan

Father Egan was born in South Boston, Massachusetts. He currently works in San Francisco's Mission Dolores. Before becoming a priest, he was, according to sources at TMZ, a secret Irish Mob enforcer, head of Greenpeace, and married to a local butcher. (One patron of his family's South Boston bar says: "that boy makes black Irish look lily white!") When he isn't attending fashion San Francisco fashion shows, or teaching special strategy seminars at the Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland, you can find him at the Mission cooking for the Parish kids with Sister Amber. When he was told he will be featured in Pirate in the Closet, forthcoming on October 31, his response: "In the closet? closet?" Shane is also a featured character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders, forthcoming Christmas 2016.

Sister Amber Francis

Sister Amber Francis

Sister Francis is from Salem, Massachusetts. She is currently a nun at the Mission Dolores in San Francisco. When she was 16, she was accused of torturing and killing 19 men. We don't know if that's true, but we do know it scares away Jehovah's Witness salesmen when they come knocking. Plus, leaked FBI files indicate she allegedly has special powers of the mind, which is why there supposedly were invoices in her file from the CIA. Other than that, Sister Francis is known for her work with young children in and around San Francisco, and is rumored to have beat out Jay Z, Eminem, and Lil Wayne in a rap off. (Eminem's response: "man, she wasn't all that!") After being told she was being featured in Angel of Salem, Sister Francis responded: "Angel of Salem? What is that, a U2 witch song?" She will also be one of the main characters in The Naive Daring of Outsiders.

Ms. Sophia Gordon

Ms. Sophia Gordon

While Ms. Gordon is originally from New Orleans and graduated from Newcomb College, she now resides on Park Avenue in Manhattan. In addition to being a mother of two, Ms. Gordon is the CEO of an educational charity and is rumored to be the richest woman in the world. Her specialties include design, business development, and strategic alliances. Ms. Gordon has been featured in Vogue, The Wall Street Journal, and The New York Times, among others. When she was featured in Dirty Quiet Money, she sued the author. But then the lawsuit was withdrawn when she read the book.

Father Blue Hardin

Father Blue Hardin

Father Hardin is from Vandalia, Illinois, and is a Catholic priest at Mission Dolores in San Francisco. Originally raised as a Quaker, the U.S. government subsequently labeled him a terrorist and outlaw. Rumor has it that Father Hardin still has some bank robbery money stashed, which is why he can self-fund month long surfing trips with the church kids - all on, according to him, his "priestly" salary. When he isn't tending to mass, he is talking to random strangers about politics, philosophy, love, humor, and, yes, his favorite nun, Sister Amber Francis . After learning that he was the feature character in Outsourced to Lucifer, his response: "I not need to do no outsourcing of nothing to no Lucifer." He will also be a main character in The Naive Daring of Outsiders, forthcoming Christmas 2016.

Benny Hyman, Esq.

Benny Hyman, Esq.

Benny is from the Lower East Side of New York City but currently lives in San Francisco, California. After graduating with honors from New York University law school, he represented some of the biggest crime figures - including "politicians" -- in New York City. Tired of New York's buildings, and because his wife Janice busted his chops for more space, Benny relocated to San Francisco. He specializes in criminal law, but he is also rumored to be the biggest crime boss in America. While Benny's Chicago grandfather is a character in Outsourced to Lucifer, Benny is a featured character in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, due out in December. When he heard that he would be featured in the novel, his response: "so the fuck what?"

Mr. Sunny Robinson

Mr. Sunny Robinson

Sunny is from Brooklyn, New York. He splits his time between Brooklyn and Copenhagen, Denmark. After being the only "organic fair trade street pharmacist" in NYC, he founded Scandinavian music Awl For Me, whose motto is "Jesse James wasn't black, but he cool anyway." According to NYC police, Sunny's specialties include marketing, guerrilla warfare and legal strategy. Sources at TMZ say "the world's most powerful back door diplomat" got into Yale Law School but sent Lamar, his cousin, instead. When Sunny isn't running Awl For Me, he mentors high-risk kids, hangs with his pit bulls, Mouse and Flea, and "befriends" model, assassin, and deep-sea diver ladies. After hearing he was written about in Living on the Happy Edge of Anarchy, his response, "Shit, kid, you should have called it Balling on the Happy Edge of Anarchy!"

Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez

Mr. Poncho M. Sanchez

Poncho M. Sanchez ("PMS") is from Chihuahua, Mexico. His current location and source of income are still both open questions. He says he is a "diaper magnet, man," running Diapers R Us. According to the FBI, however, he is a retired Cartel CEO who specializes in logistics, strategy, munitions, and is from a family who fought in Mexico's 1910 Revolution. His friends say this all is bullshit, and that Poncho merely works at Whole Foods while dating rich divorced women who support his fancy weekly mustache trims. After Poncho was featured in Outsourced to Lucifer, he said "shit, had to buy more rubbers than I usually do, which is never, cause they too many chicks wanting me," which he says pissed him off because is cheap about stuff like that.

Mr. Sergei Stravinska

Mr. Sergei Stravinska

Sergei is originally from Tuva, Siberia, but he currently splits his time between Moscow and Russian Hill, San Francisco. He is a security and strategy expert for private and government clients, including, rumor has it, the City of New York and the Russian Federation. (Sergei's Siberian bandit family robbed the Czar so many times they paid his family to stop.) When he practicing his amateur at best piano skills, doing his security work, he cooks and travels with his girlfriend, Maya. After Sergei learned he was being featured in, Pirate in the Closet and The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he went to an all night rave with his girlfriend Maya. The thing is, the rave lasted over a month and covered three countries.

Father Canon de Vivaldi

Father Canon de Vivaldi

Father Vivaldi is from Rome, Italy, but is rumored to be Sicilian. Some say he is an advisor to Pope Francis, and others say he is a five-star killer for the Vatican. Whatever he is, Father Vivaldi is a sharp dresser, always wearing the custom made suits "donated" by Brioni and Kiton. He says when he isn't giving sermons, or writing about church history, he is making the most amazing Italian dishes, mostly for cancer children in hospitals with crappy food, bad style, and horrible television. TMZ reports that the Father has a Dutch professor wife and child in Ponza, Italy, but this hasn't been confirmed. ("Family, eh, what you thinking, Father Vivaldi not have the time for the family!") When he was told that he would be featured in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, forthcoming on Christmas 2016, his response: "You got me in my black mohair or linen suit?"

Mr. Genghis Wu

Mr. Genghis Wu

Mr. Wu is rumored to be from Hong Kong, China. He always wears black because he is too lazy to pick out outfits. Sources say he is related to Genghis Khan or Sun Tzu, the famous Mongolian and Chinese military generals, respectively; some say he is the Triad's Dragonhead; others say he is in the Communist Party; and still others say he owns Kentucky Fried Chickens while running a private equity firm called Blue Water Equities based in New York City. Genghis most of the day and works most of the night. He is reported to be a "grey hat," someone who hacks for, and sometimes into, the CIA, FBI and others around the world as a go-between to facilitate negotiations. Genghis is supposedly one of the best chess and Mahjong players in the world, having beat Watson in a chess match all the while picking his nose -- and Watson's. After Genghis learned that he was featured as a private investigator in The Naïve Daring of Outsiders, he responded: "what's my cut of the action, you gweilo [Cantonese for white person]?"

Special Thanks

To all the girls (or boys) we loved before.